absolutelytotally

i envy those people who die alone in their apartment and get eaten by their pet the following week

2012-01-29T23:21:00.024+01:00

i had a work-related dream last night

they suddenly wanted me to become a chief cook

and cook for 500 persons in addition to my vaguely scientific job

i tried to explain that it was impossible

they told me there was no other way

and a conspiracy theme song was playing in the background

i said:

'jesus, im so skinny, i cannot even cook for myself

and how do you expect me to cook for ≈ 500 persons'

they said:

'look here junior, don't you be so skinny

and for heaven's sake don't you be so sad'

the conspiracy theme song kept on playing

cause there was no other way

and by the end of the dream i agreed to become the chief cook

i dont know what i would have to tell you to make you believe i mean it

2012-01-24T20:30:00.003+01:00

socrates said 'i know one thing, that i know nothing'

somebody else said 'i don't even know if i know nothing'

i dont know who said it

i watched a documentary where a fish was dying and spinning on itself while drowning into the water

2012-01-05T02:02:00.007+01:00

i want to eat a lot, become real fat and be transported to work every morning by helicopter

i want to have a liposuction performed on me by careless doctors, and have all my flesh accidentally absorbed by the liposuction machine.

i want somebody to lecture me for a very long time and when it’s over i would feel incredibly guilty about stuff im not even responsible for.

if u give me ur fb password, i’ll pretend to be u and write cool stuff to ur friends.

someday, somebody will tell me im ‘passive aggressive’.

October

2011-10-09T18:21:00.004+02:00

'You are nice' usually means 'i want to treat you like shit'

I have written a list of things i don't want to do anymore

and it made me feel successful

I have watched a youtube video named 'Crazy Russian Kids'

and it made me feel dizzy

'I am tired' usually means 'i dont want to'

Betrayal Takes Two

2011-10-07T18:55:00.010+02:00

Oh hello sadness

nice to meet you again

I've read something yesterday

my favorite part was 'i find you very intelligent, polite, nice and sweet', although those adjectives could apply to anything, like a bottle of milk or a bike

my least favorite part was 'im actually now starting to have contact with someone that i know since i arrived here and i find really nice too'

and then i uncontrollably started to feel like a rotten fruit in a basket next to a pretty fruit, when a customer comes in and picks the pretty fruit

No, really i'm fine.

depressed as hell, though.

poor and lonely.

and you?

4 unpublished facebook statuses about the modern world

2011-09-25T10:47:00.008+02:00

It seems funny to me that r'n'b singer Ashanti had one single in 2002 named 'Baby', then another one in 2003 named 'Rock wit U (Awww Baby)', and another one in 2007 named 'Hey Baby (after the club)'. http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashanti_(chanteuse)

They should make a movie about facebook and name it 'The Social Network'.

I only like people whose facebook page/profile crash my browser.

Sending a text message and then being unanswered for ≈ 4 hours could be a new 'extreme sport' (like snowboard, skateboard, etc). I would be good at it, and maybe i would give my name to some 'tricks' of this new extreme discipline.

Something trendy, like an emotional complex

2011-09-01T23:14:00.003+02:00

I own a crappy phone

and when i text you

you usually don't text me back

but it would be the same with a good phone

and i think people get replaced easily

as soon as the novelty begins to fade

please don't cry bb, it's only a movie

Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely

2011-07-06T18:44:00.005+02:00

I told my co-worker that it would be nice to communicate via telepathy

like when you'd walk into a room and think 'hello'

everybody would receive the message simultaneously

and nod their head in a pleasant way.

My co-worker said i was a lame human being

Then, he said smthng about Shakira paying ≈ 5000 euros for a night in some hostel somewhere

Somebody else said Shakira is a bitch irl

The same person said people just use social networks to post pics of what they had for dinner

≈ 8-9 hours later, another co-worker said he was leaving because he found another job

Everybody seemed moderately affected by his departure

and I mentally made a long speech about how we're gonna miss him

nonfunctional/nonofficial flyer i made today for a party i won't attend

2011-06-23T20:29:00.004+02:00

10 comments in chronological order while watching the last 30 minutes of Alien3

2011-06-20T23:30:00.010+02:00

01h18min: SigourneyWeaver asks some guy to kill her because she has a bb alien in her tummy. Some guy seems determined to do it but then ‘half asses’ it and gives an explanation on why he can’t kill her.

01h20min: Guy says ‘that is crazy. That is horseshit’.

01h23min: Other guy looks at his own face in a mirror and acts like he’s going to splash water on his face like they always do in the movies.

01h25min: ‘point of view Alien’ scenes remind me of the video game Wipeout on Playstation1.

01h31min: Somebody is named ‘Jude’. Hey.

01h37min: Jesus. Fake end. Alien is totally not dead.

01h38min: Alien is totally dead and SegourneyWeaver screams ‘yes’ in an unsexy way.

01h40min: Man tries to convince SegourneyWeaver not to kill herself. He says ‘children’ while grinning. Feeling confused about his motives.

01h42min: SegourneyWeaver jumps into a swimming pool of fire. While she’s in the air, a bb alien pops out of her tummy and screams something that seems controversial/revolutionary for a bb alien: eeeeeee eeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee eee

01h44min: Computer from the future displays a formal message with a retro SpaceInvader type of font.

Chat rooms are forever

2011-06-03T09:43:00.011+02:00

N.R:

A.B :

chill?

N.R :

yea'

A.B :

holidays?

N.R:

i graduated from highschool

A.B :

chill

send me a link, or smthng

if u have any

N.R :

of wut

A.B :

smthng kewl

or smthng sad

N.R :

im sad

A.B :

why?

N.R :

I don't know why im so profoundly sad

but I know im sad because my dad keeps fighting with me and it makes me sad

and all my friends are shit

but that's alright

i have 2 lovers

and im just unhappy

A.B :

does ur dad beat u?

N.R :

not entirely

A.B :

not the face

so the teachers can't notice

damn

N.R :

haha

No he doesnt beat me

but he tends to like grab me and yell

A.B :

what does he yell?

'HEEEE'

'OHHHH'

N.R :

You're silly

Yeah but that's my day

how are you ?

A.B :

i slept til 11.00

then slept again till 15.00

it's something.

what did u eat?

N.R :

soup

veggies

chicken

and stawberries

A.B :

strawberries are nice

soup too

i feel like a good person when i eat soup

but i don't do that too often

N.R :

youre bad

A.B :

did ur dad yell at u during dinner?

SOUP

N.R :

ooo

thhat's mean

A.B :

N.R :

ok*

A.B :

what is ‘plok’ ?

i don't know all the abbreviations in the world

N.R:

a typo

youre dumb

or over analytical

A.B:

do u think i'm dumb?

N.R:

no i think youre mean spirited

A.B:

like i want to hurt ppl?

in chat rooms

seems nice

N.R:

hahaha

so bored

A.B:

talk to me

N.R:

hows your life?

meaningless?

redundant?

A.B:

basically

N.R:

Why

A.B:

because it's true

but everybvody's life is kinda pointless

N.R:

still vibing to that mp3 ‘i could die’ by ‘girls names’

A.B:

MP3 OF THE DAY (in big neon letters)

N.R:

maybe

A.B :

do u still go to the mall where u used to work?

N.R:

im a photographer at a studio now

A.B:

sweet

porn studio

how did u find this job?

N.R:

Blowing the manager.

A.B:

could be

N.R:

lol he's gay

A.B :

FGGT

i like writing FGGT

but i never do that

writing FGGT

what do u do in the photography studio?

N.R:

take pictures of people kids and people

and say stuff like ‘the camera loves u, bb’

A.B:

i spilled some beer on my shoulder

and then did a move with my face to remove it

like a cat

it was 'incredible'

N.R:

You’re incredible

A.B:

how do u know the guy?

N.R:

he came up to me after a show and said

"you’re N.R, right?"

A.B:

he can guess people's name

can he guess boy's names too?

N.R:

i had him as a friend on fb

but we never talked

A.B:

he's not a magician, then

being a magician would be nice, but without looking too magician-ish

There's a ghost in my house - I can't hide.

2011-05-16T22:14:00.004+02:00

I tried to read a book on the train. A weird-looking little book. It's hard to read a weird-looking little book with somebody sitting in front of you. I kept the weird-looking little book on my knees so he couldn't see its cover. I know he'd have judged it by its cover.

Then, I wanted to go insane and shout something like 'ok, this is NOT a comic book'. And, he'd have looked at me with a surprised facial expression, not really understanding what just happened. Maybe not even knowing what the hell is a comic book.

Then, I wanted to tell him about the book in a very serious+amateurish way, like in a review from amazon.com. And he'd have listened to me quietly, nodding his head and uh-huh-ing in all the right places.

Then, i wanted him to read the book aloud to me. And he'd have used different voice intonations for all the different characters, although the book was really just a long internal monologue.

But i remained silent and kept reading over and over again the same sentence.

Ben Laden is dead but i thought he was already dead

2011-05-02T18:40:00.007+02:00

Ben Laden is dead. He died for his sins or smthng. His body belongs to America now.

Die, die Ben Laden, we never knew how to spell your name, anyway.

Really, i thought he was already dead. So it's like he died twice.

But he was really bad, so he should die at least twice.

The internet is happy, cause Ben Laden is checking his fb account from hell.

Retrospectively, all the things you said were kind of mean

2011-04-27T01:36:00.007+02:00

You said i could come over to your place.

I said i didn't know where it was cause i had never been there.

I said we should meet near the pharmacy.

You said it was too far.

You said smthng vague about turning left/right or smthng.

I said i'll see what i can do.

You said i was late.

You said you almost fell asleep.

You said i could have a glass of milk in the kitchen.

You said i would have to go to the kitchen by myself.

You said smthng forgettable about 'Saving Private Ryan', or another blockbuster movie i had not seen, while i was standing alone in the kitchen.

I said i liked 'Never Understand' by The Jesus+Mary Chain.

You said you liked it too, but you didn't.

I said i could probably learn anything.

You said anybody could learn anything.

I said i never know when to leave.

You said 'leave, now'.

If that song was famous i would say it's overrated

2011-04-18T20:04:00.005+02:00

I want to write a post focusing only on one song. The hardest part is that i don't have anything particular to say about that song.

I think it was written in the key of ____ major/minor or smthng.

He sings in English and i feel like he's improvising the lyrics. It seems intense, though.

I feel comfortable thinking that lots of people have never heard this song. If that song was famous, its beauty would become vulgar. I think.

Interesting part:

At 3:18, when he says 'oh well i could have loved you. You know i once believed in you'. This sentence is very tragic. I want to use it someday, without giving any credits to that song, ofc.

I had written several more sentences and deleted every one of them. All my posts contain more or less the same words, except in a different order. I could have deleted that one too.

Jurassic Park wasn't that good nor was it very influential

2011-04-17T13:40:00.019+02:00

Jurassic Park 1

- In Jurassic Park 1, a lame ass lawyer is eaten alive while he's hidding/pooping in the toilets. You don't feel too sorry for him or anything.

- In Jurassic Park 1, nobody ever kisses. Even the couple of paleontologists seem stuck in the 'friend zone'.

- In Jurassic Park 1, there's a mathematican with a leather jacket, and he says nihilistic/post-punk stuff. He becomes the hero in Jurassic Park 2, but he refused to be part of the Jurassic Park 3 pyramid scheme.

- In Jurassic Park 1, there's a paleontologist who doesn't love children too much, cause he prefers old fossils.

- In Jurassic Park 1, some dinosaurs are bigger than others.

Jurassic Park 2

- In Jurassic Park 2, they thought having 2 T-Rex would make the movie twice better than the first one.

- In Jurassic Park 2, there's a silly scene where some broad rescues a bb T-Rex cause its leg is broken. She wants to heal the baby T-Rex cause she's a lil bit disconnected from reality. She asks a guy to spit his chewing gum so she can use it to repair the leg of the bb T-Rex.

- In Jurassic Park 2, a lil black girl defeats a very dangerous dinosaur by doing some gym/cheerleader trick.

Jurassic Park 3

- In Jurassic Park 3, the dinosaurs are very very smart.

- In Jurassic Park 3, nothing really makes any sense. They just wanted to make another movie, i guess.

- In Jurassic Park 3, a guy steals some dinosaur eggs and the dinosaurs refuse that kind of uncivilised behaviour.

Jurassic Park 1/2/3

- In Jurassic Park 1/2/3, no human being ever kills a dinosaur.

- In Jurassic Park 1/2/3, the same uplifting instrumental music is used. It's the classic 'Jurassic Park Theme'.

- In Jurassic Park 1/2/3, there are annoying children who are way too smart.

Some of my happiest moments in life occur on AOL instant messenger

2011-04-09T00:47:00.004+02:00

When i was just a lil boy, my parents sacrified themselves to get an Internet connexion before ≈ 80% of the rest of the world. Two summers in a row, they stayed at home instead of going on holidays, in order to save enough money to buy our first Internet.

To this day, i still love them for that.

When we finally had the Internet, my mother called me with a serious voice intonation and she told me to watch this VHS tape about the dangers of the Internets and all:

I know yall probably think this video is silly, but i swear it saved my life a bunch of times.

Things i've learned while watching this video:

- You should tell your parents if you see smthng confusing on the Internets

- White girls own Asian slaves because Asian people type faster

- Your parents should chose your fb profile pictures

- If you upload a picture of u on the internets, somebody somewhere is tugging one out while looking at it

- People on the Internets who pretend to be named Lisa are usually sleeveless creepy moustache bros

- Never chat on the internet with somebody you know irl

- Hip-hop songs make the end of a Public Service Announcement more dramatic

If i watch a movie without the sound, i feel like they're whispering emo stuff

2011-03-29T21:02:00.010+02:00

I want to create a Word file with all the memories i have

so if i get Alzeihmer's disease someday

i'll open the file and remember everything about u

And i want to make a list of all the things that bar was too alternative for:

Soaps

Lights

Bathroom doors

They're playing the Talking Heads LoveComesToTown.mp3

That's depressing+good but i don't know in which ratio yet

Oh wait, now i know

It's depressing

Liz Taylor died that day.

The White Alts

2011-03-08T20:08:00.002+01:00

Bro. Cheer up. I know you feel 'existentially fucked' or something. I know it's nice to stay inside your bed and listen to The Cure while wearing miscellaneous bracelets. I know feeling happy is pointless cause we all die in the end. Jesus.

I really know how you feel. I've recently been through a very traumatic fb experience with a gurl who deleted me ≈ 1 hour after we became fb friends :( I think about all the 'thumbs up' we'll never share and feel existentially fucked, too.

But for real:

Being white as a vampire won't do you any good. It really won't. Even though you're wearing sweet ethnic pajama pants, you'll never have a fullfilling social life if you're that white.

The Feets

2011-03-02T18:50:00.007+01:00

I know, it seems like i only blog about lookbook pics, nowadays. I know.

But i can't help feeling worried about this bro. Feet are a very important part of your body. A wise man once said that feet are the legs' brain. You can't just wear weird ass shoes without thinking about the consequences on your body.

Your feet are sensitive.

Your feet are alive.

Your feet are a little bit happier than i am.

Here's a bi-dimensional computer simulation that i've done:

The red zones undergo a lot of stress if they are not wrapped into proper shoes. The green zones are the zones that smell 'funny'. And the blue zones are your erogenous zones.

At the same time, maybe i'm just being an asshole, and this guy has a foot disease. Like some kind of ElephantMan type of thing on his feet :(

But for real: why is he putting his head in an oven? It must represent something that totally goes over my head. If i had to guess, i'd say that his action is a modern alt take of an old animal behaviour:

God bless struthios, weird ass shoes, and lookbook.nu

The Finger Alts

2011-02-11T17:26:00.005+01:00

I've just seen this picture of a cute dreamy alt on lookbook.nu.

I'm really wondering what's up with his metallic finger accessory. Please tell me what the eff is that??

Is it:

a) Something to type text messages faster

b) Something to FNGRBNG a gurl without being contaminated if she's dirty

c) a silver pen

d) a finger iPod

e) a guitar pick from the future

f) a guitar pick from the past

g) Something to protect himself from evil spirits

h) Something to be more than just a 'face in the crowd'

i) Something to look interesting in the airport when you have to remove all the metallic stuff that you carry

j) a fake finger cause he was born without one finger

l) a fake finger cause he cut his own finger for an art school project

m) a fake finger to make you wonder 'what if real=fake, and fake=real'?

n) a finger from 'Edward the bro who had the Scissorhands'

o) an electropolished stainless steel finger

p) a silly accessory from when he was a dark goth bro

q) Something to hold his falcon, like in the Middle Ages

r) a vintage Tamagotchi

s) a metallic toilet paper roll

t) all of the above

The Aladdin Alts

2011-02-10T00:03:00.015+01:00

I'm soo sorry i haven't been a perfect blog lately :(

I've been really busy trying to find the most alt scarf on earth. I think i've finally found it:

I feel like this bro is saying to the world: 'ok, this is how ya wanna play it, huh? Ya wanna see some alt ass scarf, huh? How 'bout that?? CARPET/SCARF, bitcheees!!!'

Maybe it's not a carpet and i'm totally wrong. Maybe it's only a bathing towel, that would still be pretty alt, believe me.

Riding ethnic Aladdin waves with my carpet-scarf

Reminds me nostalgical images of my youth

When we used 2 watch non 3-dimensional cartoon

When we used 2 play 'impossible' 16-bit video games

When we used 2 believe in smthng

Love.Hate.Miss.U Princess Jasmine

'If i only had 3 wishes, i'd ask to have unlimited wishes' - Somebody who thinks he's funnie/original/avant-garde

In my country, the kissing scenes were censored, so i had to download the xxx-rated version of the movie.

Well done, street rat!!

Would yall rather 'bang' the Jasmine on the left, or the Jasmine on the right?

'This game is impossible' - Me, 5-8 years old

The Alt Kellys

2011-02-01T20:46:00.010+01:00

R.Kelly is a popular r'n'b singer who sings about getting you pregnant and stuff like that. He's also a sick ass bro with dark beautiful twisted fantasies like 'peeing on other people'.

For some reason, Pitchfork wrote a quote from R.Kelly today. I guess that means he's kinda alt now, although he's not a perfect 10.0

Here's the quote:

"I gave a Christmas party last year-- well, two Christmases ago-- where I did a Sam Cooke show. I didn't perform as R. Kelly. I performed the Sam Cooke show from 1964, when he performed at the Copacabana... I did the whole set. I invited, like, 1,000 people out to my house, and everybody had to be dressed like it was the 60s. People had the long-stem cigarettes and the zoot suits and all that stuff, man...It was about a two-and-a-half-hour show that I put together in my living room."

Basically, R.Kelly is explaining that a few blog years ago, he had a conceptual vintage partie: all of his bros were dressed like DonDrapper from the TV show MadMen. And all the broads were dressed like Betts. Also, people had to smoke vintage long-stem cigarettes, otherwise they were raped directly on the floor of the living room by R.Kelly's bodyguards.

Then, R.Kelly showed up two hours late, and he started to sing about getting you pregnant in a vintage 60's way. The 1000 persons gathered in his living room were all like 'Huh, WTF? This is not the real R.Kelly' and eventually they stopped listening to him. So, R.Kelly was like 'Yall! It's me! Yall remind me of my jeep!!!' and then he started to sing this song:

(I think i just wrote this post as an opportunity to feature the sweet song 'You Remind Me Of My Jeep')

But 4 real:

who reminds you of your jeep the most?

That broad from the indie nautical pop band Tennis?

That broad from the indie indie band Summer Camp?

AlexisKrauss from the noisy pop band SleighBells?

Diva Dompe from the cute indie band BlackBlack?

VickyLegrand from the pants-creaming indie band BeachHouse?

The Dying Alts

2011-01-28T20:21:00.003+01:00

Sometimes i look at the popular website lookbook.nu and i feel really worried. Does anybody know what the hell happened to this altbro?

a) This altbro was photographed on The Day After P4K Gave Kanye a Perfect 10.0

b) This altbro partied too hard, forgot to drink fruit juices the next day, and then he died

c) This altbro tried to listen to the shitty ass band Midlake

d) This altbro was part of an exchange program with alt people from another planet, but yeh, he died

e) This altbro committed beautiful/passive suicide, by just waiting in a desert until his soul would leave his body

f) This altbro is not dead

g) This altbro is dead-ish

h) This altbro usually wears winter cardigans in post-apocalyptic landscapes

i) This altbro mixed MDMA with beer+whisky+wine+tequila+horchata

j) This altbro travelled in a time machine, saw how shitty his life would be, and then decided to die before 30.

k) This altbro lived fast, died young (via James Dean)

l) This altbro went to an extreme team building seminar where only the strong survives

m) This altbro was supposed to go to MarcZuckerberg big ass BBQ partie, then he got kinda lost in a miscellaneous desert

n) This altbro listenned to BeachHouse until he felt like life was not worth living

o) This altbro danced with the devil in the pale moonlight

p) This altbro will always have Paris

q) This altbro was actually trapped in a goddamn Chilean mine, and then he was saved by the Pixies or something

r) This altbro has gone cuckoo

s) This altbro did it for Art

t) This altbro tried too hard to transcend the desert experience

u) This altbro wants to be your sex-slave

v) Jesus. i'm running out of ideas.

w) All of the above

The Katie Zuckerbergs

2011-01-21T18:15:00.016+01:00

/// this scene takes place in the Thumbs Up Valley, where the headquarters of Facebook Industry are located ///

Random bro: Mr Zuck, i'd like to introduce you to Ms Perry. She's a singer who never fails to be in the top popular iTunes sales.

MarkZuckerberg: Oh hello, Ms Perry. I'm a big fan of your work.

KatiePerry: Oh samesies!! I just loooove your Farmville application. But, please, call me Katie. Or Kat'.

MarkZuckerberg: Ok, Kat'.

KatiePerry: Hum. No, call me Katie, actually.

MarkZuckerberg: Make up your mind. By the way, i didn't developp Farmville. My interns did. In exchange i offered them a Gold Facebook Membership. With a Gold FB membership, you can see who's been watching your profile, and also you can turn on the webcam of your friends and really spy the fuck out of them.

Random bro: Ok, it's getting too technical already. I'm leaving yall alone.

MarkZuckerberg: Damn. I love that guy. I didn't know he work for me. I'm adding him as a friend, right away.

KatiePerry: Oh you have a fb account? Me too!!

MarkZuckerberg: Are you being sarcastic?

KatiePerry: No. I'm a CaliforniaGurl. Let's partiiiiiie.

MarkZuckerberg: Wait a minute, young lady. Let's not get way too bro, way too fast. I reallly want to ask you something. Humm. It's embarassing.

KatiePerry: Go ahead, bro.

MarkZuckerberg: Katie. I just wanted to know if you can shoot fireworks out of your titties like in your video clip for the song Firework?

KatiePerry: Yes i can. When i was just a lil gurl, i fell off my bike. My mother brought me to the hospital. Anyways, one thing lead to another, and i ended up with firework launching tubes inside my tits.

MarkZuckerberg: I think it's cool+creepy at the same time. But i don't know in which ratio.

KatiePerry: Oh you're cute. Nobody ever talked me like that. C'mere, i wanna hug you, baby.

MarkZuckerberg: Hellll yeaaah. Who's your fb daddy now?

KatiePerry: What?

MarkZuckerberg: Huh, nothin. Was just thinkin out loud, i guess. Watcha doin tonite, babe?

KatiePerry: Why are you suddenly talking in a hoodlumish voice?

MarkZuckerberg: lol. Sorry. Listen, tonite we're having a retro/vintage BBQ with 200 interns from my company. People will bring old Windows 3.1 computers, and we're gonna jerk off to JPGs of nude women on floppy discs.

KatiePerry: Sounds sweet. Count me in.

/// And this is how MarkZuckerberg went on a 'date' with KatiePerry ///

The Cakes

2011-01-19T19:59:00.004+01:00

The Pavements is a 90's guitar indie band. They were probably better/worse than what you think. For some reason they appeared on an American TV show named 'Ace of Cakes'.

Not being from the US, i can't explain you what this show is all about. It seems like it's just a show about cooking a cake for somebody. If i were a TV producer, this TV show would have never existed.

Cake Artist Broad: 'I wanted to create a very textural cake, inspired by the guitar riffs you can hear on their first album 'Slanted+Enchanted'. I think music and food are very similar, so i was hella excited when somebody asked me to cook a cake for ThePavements'

Redhead boring broad with the glasses: 'Pavement is a rock band, that has a wikipedia page. I don't know much about them, but i'll do my best'

Bro with the hat: 'My favorite Pavement song has not been released yet'.

The Dark Alts

2011-01-18T19:07:00.005+01:00

I just saw this picture of a mysterious dark alt, and i can't help thinking that he could be in a band.

Do you know which band is it?

i) this band is soo 2009

ii) they wrote an mp3 about being crystallized that was inspired by the movie DemolitionMan

iii) if you play that song on a ukulele it will sound honest and meaningful

iiii) this band has 3 alts in it: one of them could fix a truck if necessary

iiiii) this band dreams in black+white

iiiiii) this band is not TheCure

iiiiiii) you have probably illegaly downloaded this band

iiiiiiii) you have probably not listened to this band for at least 6-12 months

iiiiiiiii) this band will make another album and people will be like 'ok, the first album was better'

The Scarves

2011-01-17T19:39:00.008+01:00

I usually judge alt people by the size of their scarves (just like i usually judge girls by the size of their boobs), but i had never seen such a big scarf. Jesus. This thing must weight a ton.

Should i start wearing my old green blanket as a progressive scarf?

I think emergency blankets could be used as scarves too, but not until 2016.

Actually, now that i think about it, i feel like this alt is trying to rip-off the whole 'baby+blanket' aesthetic.

'Some scarves are bigger than others'

The Sad Alts

2011-01-15T20:19:00.002+01:00

Sometimes, on the popular website lookbook.nu i see pictures of alts that look really depressed.

Hey buddy,

it's me

don't be so sad, everything's gonna be alright

i promise

I know TheJoyDivisions were a chill band and all

(they were the best)

i know Love Will Tear Us Appart

but come on, bro

Jesus, you haven't showered in like 10 days

do you think Ian Curtis would be proud of you?

he would want you to have a hot shower

he was a very clean guy

You know, I've seen the movie Control too

(great one)

i loved it when they signed the contract with their blood

blood will tear us appart

Bro,

life is not all about feeling dark+sad+other negative traits

the clouds make way for the sunshine,

bro

The Ads

2011-01-13T18:35:00.006+01:00

I have seen this new AmApparel ad on some website, with the caption 'the sleaziest AmApparel ad yet'. Honestly, i'm not sure what would make this ad soo 'sleazy', cause it just looks like a standard AmApparel ad to me.

Anyways.

I don't know much about girls/gurls so i was just wondering what is that dark spot we can see on her underwear?

Is it?

a) a hole to pee while standing up

b) a hole to poo

c) a hole to cum

d) a facebook 'like button'

e) a hole to hide MDMA/Weed/Cocaine/DRGS

f) an ipod shuffle

g) some pussie hair

h) a Sony mini-disc

i) a BeachHouse limited edition vinyl

j) a microfilm with lots of Wikileaks documents

k) a camera to make ultra-progressive documentaries

l) a camera to make MichaelMoorish anti-USA type of documentaries

m) a pussie cat doll

n) a hole to put an umbrella

p) a hole to put a parasol

q) a place for friends (via Myspace)

r) a place to bury strangers

s) a dark beautiful twisted fantasy

t) an Apple logo

u) a television screen

v) a metaphor

w) the gate to a time machine

x) a Google Analytics software to check the stats of your blog

y) a kaleidoscope

z) all of the above

Please help me to find out what is it. Thanks.

The Facebooks

2011-01-10T18:48:00.023+01:00

Facebook is the most popular social network thing. It was created by God and then sold to MarkZuckerbro for 10$ and a glass of CocaCola. You can use this social network to tug one out while watching a pic of somebody you know in real life. You can also write statuses that will or will not generate comments. Almost everyday, you can read stuff like 'i loooove music', 'thanks god 4 this day', 'last nite was the shiiit' or even 'i miss yalllll!!!'. You can also post videos of KanyeWest, VampyWeekend, and Radioheads. And if you play the game right, you will get 'thumbs up' and you'll feel like people care about you.

Anyways.

It seems like Facebook is closing down on the 15th of March, cause MarcZuckerbro find it too stressful to be the most powerful+rich human being on earth.

http://www.test-station.info/fbtruth/

Does anybody know if it's really that stressful to work at fb? I feel like if i worked there i would hack people's account, then read their private shit, and then feel sad cause i would discover that __________ .

What do people do at facebook? I mean, sure there are a bunch of html/java/Flash programmers, but there must be lots of other people over there.

Is there a fb police that reads all the statuses and then decide if it's ok to publish them? Can i post nude pics of myself? Can i post nude pics of myself with other people wearing clothes around me?

How do they hire you when you apply to fb? Do you have to have at least 500 friendz? Do they prefer to hire people that have profile pic in black+white, or in Sepia?

I wish internet existed when i was in high school, cause i feel like i would have thought of fb before MarkZucky. Just saying.

He seems like an humble bro, always ready to wear a pair of flip-flops.

Always ready to 'tug one out' peacefully, too.

Is MarcZuckerbro a sex-symbol or something?

'Gentlemen, can i have some effing thumbs up please?'

Should i block MarkZuckerberg if i don't want him to see my personal stuff?

Damn. Seems like a super chill bro, always down for a BBQ with his interns.

Does anybody know if MarkZucky has feet claustrophobia, and so he can never wear 'regular people shoes'?

Do you think MarkZuckerberg was sending some positive vibes to these people? Did they feel like they were listening to JohnLennon's song 'Imagine'?

Can i 'become a fan' of his cute teddy bear?

From what i understand, in Europe the rich countries are chilling on fb while the poor countries are still trying to discover electricity.

'Talk to yall later on fb'