Wednesday, February 29, 2012

'hannah and her sisters' is not a name for a cat

drive for one hour

park your car in front of a muddy isolated farm

feel worried about the car being stuck forever in the mud when you'll try to leave

ask the first hillbilly you meet if she works there

make a small inexpressive noise when the hillbilly complains about not finding the ashtray or something

enter the cat room

see a piece of furniture with many baskets and cats sleeping in them

notice the poo/vomit on the floor

think about rubbing your face with the poo/vomit

notice a tabby cat who seems alive and/or not too dull

pet the tabby cat

notice another grey cat

try to pet the grey cat and watch her slip between your fingers like an eel

listen to a volunteer hillbilly explaining it might take a little more time to be able to pet the grey eel cat

translate in your mind: the grey eel cat is unpettable for the next 10 years

adopt the tabby cat that seemed alive and/or not too dull

put her in a carton box

put the carton box in your car

close the carton box and deprive the cat of seeing daylight

feel like a butcher

get your heart broken when the cat starts meowing/crying

feel like a murderer

start petting the outside of the carton box

feel like john lennon

notice the cat stops meowing when you pet the carton box

feel like martin luther king

spend the rest of the drive silently petting the carton box with your right hand

Sunday, February 26, 2012

'i see' said the blind man. 'no you dont' said the dumb man

do u still have my number

look under the name

'passive aggressive beta with a serious victim complex'

now if you text me i will buy you

the housewife's dream shopping list

  • foot spa massager thing
  • body scale with body fat analyzer and 3 other functions
  • big ass stainless steel washing machine
  • nice jeans

cause u have nice genes

  • automatic toothbrush with adjustable speed

and i will help u to find the right speed

so it won't make ur sweet mouth bleed

Sunday, February 19, 2012

how many calories do you burn when you cry

are you there god, it's me Whitney
lying in my fancy bathtub
BathtubCity, USA
it feels like freedom but it's shitty
and i can't describe how
this is my last bath
i am drowning slowly
i am the Titanic 3D
the director's cut that nobody will watch
i am a siren, don't they know
it's the end of the world
a depressed siren
no i am, like, tina turner
i AM tina turner
i am simply the best
i will potentially always love you, i guess
but it's too late now, bobby
how do people talk to each other ever

Friday, February 3, 2012

avoiding eye contact with strangers like someone's paying me to do that

im looking for a cat
a beautiful cat with eyes that glow in the dark
not necessarily an hypoallergenic cat
cause im not allergic to cats
looking for a cat with a focus and a temper
but not really
a cat that is really silent
and when he/she'd meow
i'd mark the calendar with an 'X'
not looking for a cat that loves to smoke weed
(via second-hand smoking)
cause im not 18 anymore
and it's not highschool anymore
i dont know

i phoned a person tonight
her ad said she was named 'nelly'
and had a cat to give away for free
including taxes
and a small cat house
and all the belongings of the cat
but 'nelly' said the cat was unavailable
i think she lied
i can't prove it
she didn't like my voice
i sounded dumb
so now i hate her
dont tell anyone
what an awful person i am