sometimes i french kiss my cat and consecutively report this unappropriate behaviour to the left side of my brain

my mood is a rollercoaster

a rusty old one

in a ghost town

it was you charlie

and i feel like

i could have been somebody

maybe

i think i wouldnt mind

if my arms were longer

than my legs

if god loves me, why cant i get my locker open

i'm my own childhood friend

and i dont really have anything

to tell him

anymore

i eat alone in my car 300 days a year

'hannah and her sisters' is not a name for a cat

drive for one hour

park your car in front of a muddy isolated farm

feel worried about the car being stuck forever in the mud when you'll try to leave

ask the first hillbilly you meet if she works there

make a small inexpressive noise when the hillbilly complains about not finding the ashtray or something

enter the cat room

see a piece of furniture with many baskets and cats sleeping in them

notice the poo/vomit on the floor

think about rubbing your face with the poo/vomit

notice a tabby cat who seems alive and/or not too dull

pet the tabby cat

notice another grey cat

try to pet the grey cat and watch her slip between your fingers like an eel

listen to a volunteer hillbilly explaining it might take a little more time to be able to pet the grey eel cat

translate in your mind: the grey eel cat is unpettable for the next 10 years

adopt the tabby cat that seemed alive and/or not too dull

put her in a carton box

put the carton box in your car

close the carton box and deprive the cat of seeing daylight

feel like a butcher

get your heart broken when the cat starts meowing/crying

feel like a murderer

start petting the outside of the carton box

feel like john lennon

notice the cat stops meowing when you pet the carton box

feel like martin luther king

spend the rest of the drive silently petting the carton box with your right hand

'i see' said the blind man. 'no you dont' said the dumb man

do u still have my number

look under the name

'passive aggressive beta with a serious victim complex'

now if you text me i will buy you

the housewife's dream shopping list

• foot spa massager thing
• body scale with body fat analyzer and 3 other functions
• big ass stainless steel washing machine
• nice jeans

cause u have nice genes

• automatic toothbrush with adjustable speed

and i will help u to find the right speed

so it won't make ur sweet mouth bleed

how many calories do you burn when you cry

are you there god, it's me Whitney

lying in my fancy bathtub

BathtubCity, USA

it feels like freedom but it's shitty

and i can't describe how

this is my last bath

i am drowning slowly

i am the Titanic 3D

the director's cut that nobody will watch

it.does.not.matter

i am a siren, don't they know

it's the end of the world

a depressed siren

no i am, like, tina turner

i AM tina turner

i am simply the best

wow

i will potentially always love you, i guess

but it's too late now, bobby

how do people talk to each other ever

avoiding eye contact with strangers like someone's paying me to do that

im looking for a cat

a beautiful cat with eyes that glow in the dark

not necessarily an hypoallergenic cat

cause im not allergic to cats

looking for a cat with a focus and a temper

but not really

more

like

a cat that is really silent

and when he/she'd meow

i'd mark the calendar with an 'X'

not looking for a cat that loves to smoke weed

(via second-hand smoking)

cause im not 18 anymore

and it's not highschool anymore

i dont know

i phoned a person tonight

her ad said she was named 'nelly'

and had a cat to give away for free

including taxes

and a small cat house

and all the belongings of the cat

but 'nelly' said the cat was unavailable

i think she lied

i can't prove it

she didn't like my voice

i sounded dumb

so now i hate her

please

dont tell anyone

about

what an awful person i am

i envy those people who die alone in their apartment and get eaten by their pet the following week

i had a work-related dream last night

they suddenly wanted me to become a chief cook

and cook for 500 persons in addition to my vaguely scientific job

i tried to explain that it was impossible

they told me there was no other way

and a conspiracy theme song was playing in the background

i said:

'jesus, im so skinny, i cannot even cook for myself

and how do you expect me to cook for ≈ 500 persons'

they said:

'look here junior, don't you be so skinny

and for heaven's sake don't you be so sad'

the conspiracy theme song kept on playing

cause there was no other way

and by the end of the dream i agreed to become the chief cook

:(