Monday, December 7, 2015

app ideas

Here's an idea for an application for people with low/no self-discipline. The application would automatically turn off the electricity in your apartment at midnight and lock the computer/phone, forcing you to go to bed because there would not be much left to do in the dark. 

The app would be named "second mother".

And if you liked this one, wait until you hear the next one:

Another app would monitor many characteristics of your sleep (how many centimeters you moved, your average body position, the amount of body fluid lost in part per million) and automatically send those sleep data on some kind of instagram. 

The app would simply be named: “This App Wont Make Me Rich But At Least You Will Know What Happens When You Sleep” (for short: T.A.W.M.M.R.B.A.L.Y.W.K.W.H.W.Y.S).

But don't write it as “T.A.W.M.M.R.B.S.L.Y.W.K.W.H.W.Y.S” with an S instead of the A at the 8th position, other people would think it means: 

“This App Wont Make Me Rich But Someone Loved You When Knitting Winter Headbands Wasn’t Yet Successful”.

Please be careful…

Tinder message

If i soundlessly murdered a small child for a fish & chips, the police would certainly search my phone afterwards and find these messages and then they would raid into your house in the middle of the night and handcuff you to a spooning French lawyer that would happen to be sleeping in your bed even though he didn’t like dogs much but he felt that spooning behind you was totally worth overcoming his fear of dogs cause your skin was kind of soft and mostly hairless, on the breasts especially that’s better, and also he would master the art of spooning and know that bad arm placement can result in his arm falling asleep or an inability to leave the spooning position since he would have read a full wikihow page about it in the darkness of your bathroom on his iphone 6 which he planed on changing as soon as another iphone would come out because that’s what lawyers do, right, to please their inner spoiled bratty child and if I get back to the story the inspectors would find my DNA on some leftover cookies and dried tea molecules and they would use it as evidence that you knew about this and that you could have stopped this if only you wanted to, you will feel guilty and cry a little and the French lawyer will bring out his fishing rod because lips that taste of tears are the best for fishing they say.

Unsure about tense harmony in the whole paragraph above, though

Sunday, November 15, 2015


one night of bad sleep equals to six months of a very sugary diet

coffee is good bad not evil for your heart but potentially cancer-causing for your bladder

practicing a physical activity for thirty minutes everyday is not enough

and one single can of soda contains more sugar than your whole daily needs

five vegetables should be eaten everyday but they’re semi full of pesticides

meat is murder

fishes have feelings too

you might as well survive on sunlight alone

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

lou reed died

i once had a birthday
all the leaves fell off the tree outside my place
the days got shorter and colder
you messaged me
said it was butt dialing

i once had a nightmare
a storm was hitting a camping site
tents were flying around
i was walking in a river of mud
looking for you

jack victor ashley and everyone they knew

‘The young and the restless’ is known in france under the dramatic name ‘les feux de l’amour’. ‘Fires of love’. My grandmother used to watch it at 13h00, everyday, year after year. Then my grandfather passed away, the television remained turned off. And jack, victor, ashley went their own way.

nothing much to say: a memoir

During my first year of junior high school, I once accidentally had lunch at the cafeteria, sitting face to face alone with the most popular/cool boy of my class (late 90s standards). Amazingly enough, we did not have much to say. Struggling behind my foggy glasses i took the big leap :

- i think Jennifer was prettier before she had braces on…
- hell yeah
- ...
- ...
- ...
- ...
(from here to eternity)

love’s going out of fashion

you once wanted to have
the most spiritual
door opening
tantric sex

but we didn't really know how
so we went to bed instead

something i remember from an anais nin short story

in the medieval times, a crusader who was leaving
gave the key of his wife’s chastity belt to his best friend
they took a selfie together and smoked a cigarette
half an hour later, his best friend sent him a whatsapp message

this is not the right key’

how to win friends and influence people at work (plus the colors I mentally associate with the days of the week)

how are you doing
like a monday

how are you doing
oh well like a thursday

how are you doing
halfway there you know it’s wednesday

how are you doing
it gets better on thursdays

how are you doing
doing good, friday it is

[and if you really want to know
saturday is brown
and sunday is white]

even the sea sometimes has trouble being blue

Hans Christian Andersen, nineteenth century Danish author of fairy tales such as The Little Mermaid, The Ugly Duckling and The Snow Queen, feared being buried alive and always let a note by the side of his bed at night that read:

‘I’m not dead, I’m only sleeping’

But the real danger lied bellow: in the spring of 1872, Hans Christian Andersen fell out of bed, was severely hurt and never fully recovered.

the last supper (pleading al dente pasta recipe)

you could have boiled water in a large pot and added salt

it would have been nice if you had added pasta when water was at a hard boil

you could simply have turned off the heat, removed the pan from burner and placed a lid on the pot

then you could just have set timer for 15 minutes (duration might vary, please refer to the instructions on the pasta box)

once 15 minutes would have been reached, it wouldn’t have been too difficult to drain off the water

every adult dog growls barks eats (with a few changes)

when i was a child, i used to fall asleep at night looking toward the bedroom’s door

i thought that if a burglar or somebody was about to murder me during my sleep, at least i could see him/her/it coming

nowadays i would prefer not to

Monday, November 2, 2015

Autumnal evening (smile please)

I was quietly reading Jean Rhys’ unfinished autobiography in my dirty bathroom when my cat suddenly awoke in the living room.

She started meowing frenetically. All kinds of meows, punctuated by dozens of question marks: ?????? ???  like a child waking up from a nightmare and feeling abandoned at home.

She proceeded to move her meowing symphony closer to me, she entered the bathroom, put one paw against the bathtube, blinked her eyes and said:

‘i repent openly, i did not open my agenda this week and i just realized that i forgot the memorable 26th of October 1985. I blame myself for this thoughtlessness but to me days all look alike  and i’m sometimes trying to find out which day it is. So please accept, even a few days late, that i wish you from the bottom of my heart: 

happy birthday’

Friday, July 10, 2015

void in E minor

think about it
this song you won't sing
how it's missing
this word you won't say
how it's missaid

think about it
but now
for lack of vocabulary
this lipogram
has to stop

Friday, May 15, 2015

a coconut and banana smoothie was not a breakfast until you said so

my never-ending negative internal monologue is playing on loop
double LP re-issued re-packaged
(re-evaluate the songs)
i would say something
but i can not break such an angry heavy silence
there’s a wall between us
made of white pillows
you move the pillows
and leave an empty space

ground zero

your knee touches my knee
it's an accident
your hand touches my knee
it’s an accident

my hand touches your hand
my lips touch your lips

it’s an accident

Monday, March 23, 2015

tomorrow i will wake up and will do none of the things i said i would do

i stagger in the dark
a leftover word bumps into the night table
and breaks the silence
what did you say
a rude word
the rude word is bruised and grumpy
now there’s nothing left to say

Thursday, January 29, 2015

sarah 001

even though you only intended to steal that candle i liked once
even though we only half-assedly tried to make a mini-snowman once
even though you only said you wanted to see me again once
even though we wont do encores
i might not be able to forget you completely

Monday, January 12, 2015

fruits rouges

meet the girl
she’s so beautiful
she’s the most beautiful
and she likes what you like mostly
start giving in to love
let her put a spell on you
kiss the girl in her car on the third date
feel sad about getting off the car
dance alone in your appartement
get to know each others
where have you been all my life
don’t notice how she cries every morning
it’s probably just
or bad memories
or something
pretend it never happened
plus lips that taste of tears
are the best for kissing
they say
forget when she hates you
forget when she screams 
oh please just forget it
forgive anything
you don’t want to lose her now, do you
reassure her
it’s all in your head
you say
start losing her
break up with her
think about the matching tee shirts
you two bought together not so long ago
(this has another ending
full of innocent children)

late christmas wish list

i want to have ‘de l’esprit’
[mental sharpness and inventiveness]
i want to be all spiritual
almost holy
here’s a december story
[that you might have not heard before]
somebody rang at my door and asked if i were italian
outside in the street there was a safari-ish looking truck
the type they use to carry around bottles of mineral water during races like the Paris – Dakar
there was also a shovel on top of the truck
and i really think the man was a burglar or a gravedigger
planning to bury me
[that’s allowed but you would have to pay a small fee]